We already know Republicans are manufacturing outrage over Critical Race Theory being taught in elementary schools, but it’s important to know they also don’t want their super-duper white Christian kids learning about LGBTQ+ history in America. Indeed, Florida Governor Ron Desantis (aka Dollar Tree Trump) is so worried about kids learning about some rotten things that happened to LGBTQ+ people that he banned classroom instruction about sexual orientation or gender identity.
But just how far is the governor willing to go in his quest to be a puritanical prick and overall terrible human being? Well, we’ve gotten word that he’s planning on removing pencils from Florida classrooms after learning of their sex toy potential.
“My concern is about our kids getting the proper education they need to grow up to be hateful, greedy, and incompetent leaders,” said DeSantis. “My biggest fear is them becoming compassionate, tolerant, and insightful human beings. However, my second biggest fear is them possibly discovering some sort of sexual arousal from pencils.”
Has anyone ever actually ever considered using a pencil for, um, pleasure? If you ask us, this seems like something that might have happened in the Colonial and Victorian eras. Interestingly enough, that’s the time period Ron DeSantis wants to take America back to. So maybe we should ask the sex experts about this.
“The very fact that Ron DeSantis even thinks a pencil can be used as a sex toy just proves he’s a weirdo who probably never gets any,” said a sex therapist. “As much as Governor DeSantis wants it to be the 1800s for women, they have plenty of safe and legitimate objects to use for sex toys. However, if they’re ever in a bind, I would recommend the end of a hairbrush.”
So chances are most kids aren’t grabbing a No. 2 pencil for a little private pleasure.
Cover Photo: SOPA Images / Contributor (Getty Images)
Weird News 3.15.22
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